Ripples In The Lake

A week ago today my brothers in awesome all arrived in Los Angeles for VidCon.  VidCon was a three day convention focusing on Internet Video but for all intents and purposes, it was clearly a YouTube Convention.  It was a gathering of people from across the globe and was the biggest collection of people ever assembled topping around 1400 people.  And our Dream Team showed just that.  Devin (TheDevCamExperience) came from New Jersey, Zach (ThatZak) came from Georgia though he flew in from Washington, Adam (YourAverageAdam) came from Oregon, Justin (Voldey) came from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, Quintein (Confidential247) from Redondo Beach here in Southern California, and myself hailing from the San Gabriel Valley where Pasadena calls home.  In the months leading up to VidCon, some of us were friends from before and some of us only became friends through our late night chats over Skype and through many online games of Mario Kart Wii.  Quickly we all became close and good friends and soon Summer was here and our schedules caused us to break our group until we would all meet again under the Sun of sunny California weather.

Unfortunately that didn’t quite happen.  We all of course did meet up in California but the sunny weather would not be around until after VidCon.  Meeting everyone again and for the first time was a surreal experience.  Even with those I had met before, the only things I had tied towards them were voices from Skype and pictures and video from the Internet.  In the actual world there wouldn’t be white borders or buffering times: things would be real.  Quintein had picked up the guys earlier from LAX and I was walking towards the door.  I held my breath as I knocked and waited to see all of my friends in the flesh.  

When I came inside I only spied Quintein smiling ever so widely at me and I looked around to see not a single soul or luggage.  “What the heck, where is everybody” I thought to myself.  As I walked closer toward the stove, I heard some laughter and up popped the guys.  This was real.  This was actually happening.  The guys were here! THE GUYS WERE HERE!  And it’s at this point that they all tell me that I’ve used the phrase “you guys” far too much and we all laugh.  Seeing Adam again was amazing.  He really is that tall!  There was Devin with his smile and expressive eyes just like in his videos but now walking around in Quintein’s living room.  Justin was standing there with a grin on his face and all I could think was that our Dear Lord Voldey was in America now and things would be alright.  And there was Zach with his smirk on his face and that mischief in his eyes that I knew we really where going to fuck some shit up this weekend.  

Now with all of us collected, the next order of business was lunch and that meant In-N-Out Burgers!  But before any of them unfamiliar with the classic double-double could sink their teeth into them, Quintein needed some gas and provided the perfect moment for Adam to pump some gas.  You see, in Oregon where Adam comes from, they do not pump their own gas.  You heard me.  They don’t have self-serve pumping stations, it’s all full service done by other folks.  And Quintein let Adam have at it with the gas pump and pumping in gas.  It was quite the sight to see as five guys were all huddled around the car.  At In-N-Out, the guys tied their jaws to the burgers and munched them down hungrily.  Later that night we walked all around Redondo Beach - which they lovingly referred to as Retardo Beach - while Quintein told us stories.  He told us about the librarian who lived on this one block who was hit by a car and passed the school where his younger brother bodily-graffitied on the wall, and pointed out the store where Body Glove was founded.  We ended the night at Joe’s Crab Shack where we convinced the workers that it was Adam’s birthday and had him dressed up and paraded about.  There was a sinister delight in hearing Adam stand up with a smile on his face as he put on his hat and whispered to all of us, “I hate you guys.”

The next day we went to watch “Get Him To The Greek” while Adam went to Disneyland with our other friends, and surprisingly elements from the movie permeated all throughout the weekend.  We sang to the songs from the fictional band “Infant Sorrow,” jokingly searched for “Jeffery”s, and stroked the furry walls.  During the day we visited a mall during which Zach was the sole one among us that felt a 5.4 earthquake that rattled Southern California.  After that we rocked out to some jams crafted expertly by Zach before stopping at a Best Buy where we took a group picture and set it up as a wallpaper and screensaver on one of the biggest screens in the store.  A part of me hopes that no one ever noticed and that our group shot still remains the background on that big screen monitor.  Later that night after we re-grouped at Disneyland, our party split up so that we could take Vivien (feellinecancer) back to her home in West Hollywood.  On our way there, we again had another jam session but this time to the beats of Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and David Guetta.  Before we said our good byes we got some shakes from Millions Of Milkshakes where I wowed the ladies with my excellent parallel parking skills.  

And then Thursday came.  This day I dreaded the most because I knew we would be going to Six Flags Magic Mountain.  Going to the theme park was one of the first things established when we all became friends and planned for VidCon, and I was deathly afraid.  I had been afraid of roller coasters for all my life and I was ready to spend the money to watch my friends scream and swoon on bullet-speeding cars.  We walked in as our friends Todd (Toddly00) and Craig (WheezyWaiter) were leaving and while we were chatting, I was sweating bullets and fearing all the towering snakes of speed that would soon lie before me.  There was no way I could go on ANY of them.  Adam led first.  He wanted to go on Revolution.  I wanted to start a revolution and leave this place, but that was just me.  This was it.  I was going to sit it out.  But I started to think about it.  My friends had come all over to have fun here and I wasn’t going to back out.  The line went surprisingly fast while I said my prayers even faster.  And before I knew it, I was strapped into the death machine.  This ride would be my litmus test for the entire day.  The last ride I had been on was Tower of Terror at Disneyland’s California Adventure and before that, Batman the Ride in the late 90s.  There was no way I could prepare for this.  But then I let it all go.  I thought to myself that there’s so many people here who go on these rides that it couldn’t be all that bad.  “It’ll be like flying, like a superhero” I told myself.  And then the ride went off.  It started slowly and then rose up with a menacing click-clock, click-clock sound.  Then we reached the height.  And then the drop came.  My stomach got ill.  I was falling!  Would I fall out of my chair? No! No I wasn’t.  The wind was blowing across my face and a thousand little pricks attacked my ear lobes.  Soon we went up.  Then down.  And then it turned.  I never closed my eyes but my vision was a bit blurry at the start.  But now I was able to open them and see things move.  I was flying.  This wasn’t as scary.  And before I knew it, the ride was over and I had survived.  I hadn’t died.  

“Let’s go on Tatsu next!” said Zach with a smirk.

With all the courage I built up from tackling Revolution, all that went out the window as we waited in line for Tatsu.  Tatsu is a ride that straps you in horizontally so you’re facing downwards so the only thing holding you up is the contrapment strapped across your chest.  I wasn’t sitting down.  There was nothing to hold me up or around.  And as the line inched closer and closer, my senses of fight or flight were leaning dangerously close to fleeing and never to return.  It didn’t help my nerves much that at every chance I got to look at any my guys’ faces I would either see a smile or remark on how I was going to die.  I knew they were teasing but that’s the strange thing about fear, fear clouds the mind and I actually did think I was going to perish!  A week earlier Justin had shared the same sentiment about roller coasters but seemingly lost all fear of it after going to Wild Waves in Washington with the guys.  But now he was shaking uncontrollably and wasn’t talking at all.  And his eyes were a bit glazed and he kept glaring at Adam as if to throw eye daggers.  Now here’s a person who had overcome his fears and now was being frightened!  What had I let myself into.  Soon I was next in line and as I saw Devin and Zach strapped in, I saw Zach motion to me with his finger going across his neck that I was going to die.  

I was going to die.

As the ride left off with Zach and Devin, the next one came and emptied.  There was a moment where I could have bolted for the exit but I didn’t.  The machine changed into it’s sit-down position and I strapped myself in.  Soon the hydraulics hummed and buzzed and soon it re-arranged itself and now I was suspended by my upper body while looking on the floor.  “This is it,” I thought.  Soon the carriage moved on by and began approaching the sky and again I heard the click-clock clank of the gears pushing us up and then dangerously letting Gravity have her fickle way with us.  At the top, the fall to be was spectacular.  If I was going to die, I was going to die with my brothers in awesome and that was good enough for me.  Though there was no bottom to speak of, it did fell off and soon I was descending rapidly.  I thought I was going to pass out as I felt my center of gravity shift forward.  But soon it went up and left and right and I was spinning in the air.  And again I started to feel what was exactly happening.  My eyes were open and I was seeing everything.  I wasn’t freaking out and I was actually flying.  I was flying as if I were Superman or Iron Man, and I was enjoying the ride.  There were more loops and spins, and my gravity shifted again but my general fear was gone and it was replaced with a sense of thrill and enjoyment.  And before I knew it, as I was actually enjoying myself; the ride was over.  

My fears of roller coasters were gone because of my brothers.  We would go on to ride Terminator Salvation the Ride, Batman (twice), the bumper cars, Riddler’s Revenge, Scream, and the grand daddy of them all Goliath!  At this point, I wasn’t as scared by the rides but Goliath had a steep fall that caused all of us to pause in awe.  And it was a fitting finale to our stay at Six Flags as we would then make our way back to LA and towards the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza to hopefully make it in time for early registration for VidCon.  

The line for Goliath was long and as we made our way towards the boarding area, the steep fall became taller and more sharper with each step!  By the time we were strapped in, my mind was racing with what to think.  The ride was a regular coaster model where we were sitting down and had a bar across our laps to hold us in.  But that left our upper body and arms free. But the ride went in loops.  The fall was sharp and it was right at the start! Would I fall out? I wouldn’t have the moment to think about it because the ride started and we were headed up.  As we were going up to the height, the day was getting dark and the lights were twinkling.  I saw the drop and I wasn’t sure how things would go.  Zach and Devin in front me yelled “this is it” and raised their arms.  I did so too in unison.  And then we reached the top.  This was it.  And we fell.  Fell so fast and so sharp that I couldn’t see.  Zach’s hands were still up in the air while I hand to bring one arm in to hold myself.  And as the fall continued, we looped up again and again.  Soon we were going sideways and we all had our hands in the air and Zach was yelling “I am the law!” and pulled his hands down as we quickly approached some bars that seemed to dangerously close to our heads.  I was yelling, Devin was yelling, we all were having a blast.  And through more loops and dips, I heard Zach yell “Banana Bang Brothers” before our ride jolted and slowed, and ultimately stopped.  By far Goliath was the best ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain and it fittingly served as our last ride at the park. 

Soon a new ride laid out before us all.  We were off towards VidCon!

Unfortunately Quintein wasn’t able to go with us to Six Flags because he had already some tasks to take care of involving VidCon, one of which was picking up Jeffrey (KoolJeffrey) and finding out his tasks as a staff member of the event.  One of the things it did afford him was that they were letting in early registrations Thursday night and as we came off of Riddler’s Revenge, Quintein texted us this information, it was then we decided to race back down to LA after Goliath.  Going up to Valencia for Six Flags, all the while as we drove up the guys and I were singing songs from “Infant Sorrow” and key songs from the Backstreet Boys, and again we were doing so as we rode down towards Century City.  But this time we were racing.  We had a window of about 30 minutes to get to the Hyatt and do registration.  I raced as fast as my little blue Honda could go and found a quick open parking spot at the mall next door.  

Coming up the steps towards the Hyatt, I felt empowered.  I wasn’t walking into this place alone anymore.  My brothers were with me now.  Once inside I discovered a group of YouTubers by the lobby bar drinking and talking.  As my brothers and I made our way towards the escalators down, I caught the sight of my fellow Agent of Awesome Sidney (Squid565) and went over to say a quick hello.  At this point I realize that coming here was a great decision except that I was sweaty and stinky from an entire day at Six Flags.  But Sidney wouldn’t let me go with a brief hello.  He ran up and jump on me with a great big hug and I knew right then that VidCon was going to rock all the shades of awesome.  

Once two floors down on the California Level, I saw a sea of friends, faces, and YouTubers all littered across the floor.  On my right were the registration tables where I saw Austin scuttling about with a smile on her face.  While my brothers broke off to say hello and inquire about registration, I took a moment in to just absorb the fact that here we all were largely due to YouTube.  Soon I saw Bobby (themefund) and Michael (michaelaranda) and chatted with them for a bit before going over to the registration area.  As I got in line and waited eagerly to get my gift bag with all the goodies and the VidCon t-shirt, I saw Justin walk away with a smile on his face and his badge clutched in his hand, and I was ready to do the same.  There were just a few people in front of me and the seconds couldn’t tick-tock fast enough.  When I got to the front, papers weren’t being rustled and the lights were flickering off from the table, and my stomach turned.  “Did my luck just run out” I thought.  “Hi, I’m here to register” I say with a beaming smile and a perceived twinkle in my eye that I had hope to win over the girl working the booth.  “I’m sorry,” she began “but we can’t do any more right now.  I’m really sorry but we’ve been at this since 6PM and we have to shut down.”  Not completely convinced, I returned with “aw, come on please, just one more.  You got all my friends through, just one more, please!”  Her mind raced and I saw her eyes dance back and forth, and I just knew that I was going to get registered.  Then I felt a person behind me.  I looked behind and saw a whole score of people behind me.  “Crap” I thought to myself.  The girl’s eyes had locked and her mind and my mind were one.  “I really hate to be the bad guy here,” she said “but if I let you go through what am I going to say to the person behind you and behind them.”  There was truth in what she said and while I wanted to plead more for my case, the people behind me became my own undoing.  I agreed with her and told her she and the other staff members were doing a bang up job and that I would be for sure looking for her tomorrow when I would register.

Meeting up with my brothers, I found out that all of them had registered and that we were now waiting for Zach and Adam who were getting their name tags adjusted.  At the same time I bumped into Adam (adamthealien), Rohan (robofillet), John (johnzinferno) and Kayley (owlssayhooot).  It was the Northwest YouTube Gathering of 2009 all over again.  The two Adams were together laughing, John was beaming with a smile and his mom gave me a great hug.  This was outrageous.  My mind was racing with so many thoughts and I knew I was grinning all the while.  And as this was happening, Devin found Amy (amiliacecilia) and her friend Hollie that we had just recently become friends with online and it was cause for even more shouts of joy and hugs!  But now hunger and fatigue were sinking in.  We wanted to hang out more but the fact that we were tired and sweaty from the days event, we needed to retired and get ready for the onslaught of VidCon starting in honest.  And after a quick jaunt to where the ball pit are would be established, we went back up to the lobby where we were met with even more people and a more boisterous crowd.  Once in the lobby I spied Lamarr (WilsonTech1) and said our hellos and soon saw Adorian (AdorianDeck) and Jared (JaredXD).  My God!  Everywhere I turned I saw friends and faces that I had only seen online, and it was great.  Soon I then saw Dillion (dillion) and Chris (touchtheskyfilms) and before we left  we had a chance to talk with Shawna (nanalew) and Meghan (Strawburry17).  Back at Quintein’s place we ended the night with laughter and thought with Corey (coreyvidal) and his friend Stuart (aboutviral) and went to sleep with wonder with what the weekend would bring.

[Note:  This was originally going to be a blog post about VidCon but as you can tell it only covers the days leading up to it.  I hope to eventually blog about the actual event but I’m also going to be cutting a video from the footage I took, that I hope serves as a more visceral experience while the blog about it will be more reflective.]

Chasing Myself, A Story In Parts - Part 1

No where in the night is it ever the darkest when one finds them besides themselves in thoughts.  Especially dark thoughts.  I found myself roaming the gardens, and like a spirit dejected from my body, I watched as I saw myself leave the gardens and walk towards the woods behind the house.  My mouth, my spirit mouth gaped open, and I wanted to shout "stop" but instead I got the glimmer of a light in the forest and proceeded to follow myself into the darkened wood.  As I followed myself, I smirked and ran past myself, or rather my physical body.  With each pass that went through, I died a little inside for each pass, I relived a moment of my past.  

When our hands touched I was brought back to school, staring straight into the face of the lovely Josie Adams.  She was the cutest girl in the sophomore class and we had been very close ever since we met at a Saturday detention back when were were freshmen.  It was Monday.  And Josie was smiling.  Oh how I loved the way she would smile and the moment when her bottom lip would fall giving way to her white pearly teeth.  I knew what she was going to say.  We've been spending time together, more and more now.  I'm removed from this memory.  I'm no longer staring at those beautiful bottom teeth but rather staring at myself next to her.  As if I were watching TV, I start to yell and claw at myself.  I watch as my lips move.  Words that can never be taken back are thrown at Josie like darts.  My heart sinks.  My heart stops.  Tears begin rolling down Josie's face.  I don't think I have ever seen her frown until that moment.  She runs out of the hallway and while the other me stands there with his face down, I try to race after her but the moment I get close, I find myself hand in hand with my corporeal self still roaming the darkened forest. 

Angrily I tear apart the top grass on the floor and pull on nearby roots, disturbing the night life culture of bugs and insects.  "Great! More life I'm screwing up," I think to myself as I glimpse my walking self heading towards the brook.  Getting up, I put back the soil where I can and brush off dirt and tears and race back to myself wondering if it's worth it to touch myself and relive another memory.  "They're not all bad" I say to myself.

My Unfiltered Thoughts On Toy Story 3

It's only been an hour (the movie got out at around 2AM and I wrote this down at around 3AM).  It's only been an hour since I left the Arclight Theater in Pasadena.  It's only been an hour since I handed over my 3D glasses.  It's only been an hour since I saw Toy Story 3! And my head is filled with so many thoughts.  

There is no way I'm going to be tight lipped about any of this.  I'm going from thoughts to typing, so THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON!  Pixar films have always been about story and meaning but with Toy Story, this is the baby that they birthed and let grow.  As I watched the groups of people coming into the theater, they were all around my age.  There were groups from high school, college, and some past college like myself; we had all grown up with Toy Story.  Thinking about it, if the Toy Story series was about the hidden world of toys and their relationships with their owners (Woody, Buzz, and toy company with Andy) then the same can be said about the Toy Story films themselves with us, the audience.  

There is so much goodness to talk about.  I saw the film in 3D and while it was bothersome to wear glasses over glasses, I think the road to 3D becoming something commonplace has begun.  Ken the doll was over the top, as he should be, and worked for me every time he was on the screen.  Wood and Buzz, one of the best duos.  My mind can't compartmentalize all this.  It's all jumbled.  I nearly cried when the toys all joined hands and all prepared for their fiery end.  I nearly cried again when I realized what Andy was going to do with his toys.  And I nearly cried again when Andy choked with what he finally does with Woody.  I love the idea that hoarding things and keeping things for memory's sake is nothing compared to when you can instill the same feelings and attitudes with another person by sharing and passing on things.  Why am I pussyfooting around it.  Andy was going to bring Woody to college (how he was going to get with the ladies with his childhood toy named Woody is beyond me but I digress) and decided to put the last remaining toys (Buzz, the potato heads, etc) into the box  labeled "for storage" but Woody knew better.  He gave Andy an option.  He gave Andy a choice.  And Andy choose to pass on his favorite childhood toys to another child, Dolly.  This is important.  Instead of keeping his toys, even as a way to remember his childhood, he gives them to Dolly.  Andy is giving Dolly the chance have the fun childhood memories he had with his toys.  And I love this message.  I love the idea of passing something on so that another may experience what you experienced before.  Ah but this is the final act of the story, while the climax was also very much important.

This is the end.  Our toy heroes did not escape.  They are stuck in a metal quicksand with a fiery center ready to melt them all down.  The end is near and one by one, each of them grabs each other's hand.  These toys, these friends, have been through so much together that if the end is truly here, then they too will meet this together.  This beat in the film was tough.  There would be no shame if tears fell for this was a good end.  An end with friends and not an end alone.  Through out the film it surprised me that even though Toy Story is a CGI animated film, filled with bright colorful creatures, and geared towards children that the story is has some very dark moments.  I would never have pegged that this film would use shades of a prison heist flick or even come close to torture and reprogramming - but it does!  

The heart of the problem lies with Lotso, the purple, strawberry-smelling, old-time, stuffed bear toy-king of the Sunnyside Daycare facility.  Like Buzz, Lotso was the toy of choice for Daisy before getting misplaced and replaced.  And this experience changed Lotso.  We don't laugh or even giggle at Lotso's predicament because we all know how he feels.  Most of us can sympathize with Lotso.  How many of us fell in love with a certain someone or fell in with a group of friends to only later be casted off and shunned away?  How many of us have teetered off from strong moments of desire and want, to only be avoided and forgotten?  So it isn't that much of a stretch to see that Lotso (which in my messed up thinking almost typed "lostso" - maybe as in "lost so much") turned bitter and created a system where he would always be loved and never be hurt.  And this is where we see how our heroes differ from Lotso.  As the toy heroes realize that the end is truly here, they band together and face their coming end.  They accept it.  They "let go," taking something from LOST.  Speaking of LOST, I found this film very much similar to LOST this season with their similar themes of ending and of choice.  Fate and chance may have brought the toy heroes to this fiery situation but they choose to accept it and make it their own.  They "let go" and "accept" what will happen.  This is their choice.  Lotso on the other hand goes the opposite route with his "choice" and makes the Sunnyside Daycare a means to fix his broken heart.  He doesn't accept how his life had been altered and in effect finds other means to fill what he's been losing.  His choice is to not accept what has happened.

Now it's Andy's turn.  Andy has a choice.  A choice given to him by Woody, who himself battled with the choice.  Again this reminds me of LOST where Jack and Locke are the Woody and Buzz to Jacob's Andy.  And Andy chooses to pass on his toys.  When LOST ended its series, moments when they talked about "letting go" I felt that they were talking about the fourth wall and it was actually the audience they were talking about.  And I feel the same with Toy Story and especially the last beat with Andy handing over the toys to Dolly.  I see it was a message to Hollywood to stop making sequels and to let these cinematic works inspire creativity with new individuals.  Instead of holding on, let others take the reigns and the stage.  

But there's still so much.  The artwork was superb.  The short "Day and Night" at the start of the film was fantastic.  And the use of a clapping monkey as a lookout?  My word was that ever creepy.  Or funny.  I and along with the rest of the theater bursted out in riotous laughter as Mr. Tortilla Head was prancing around on screen.  That melty face of Mr. Potato Head is beyond prices and would make anyone laugh at it.  Toy Story from the start has always been about friendship.  It's about heart.  And after 15 years, Toy Story 3 still delivers on heart and on friendship.

The Road To VidCon - T-Minus 26 Days

With less than a month away VidCon is fast approaching, and I'm starting to get a weird sensation in my stomach.  It's a feeling I've had before and it's usually a quick nervous reaction to an event coming to a head.  I'm more of a "journey" emphasis guy than "destination" and I'm starting to wonder if three days will be enough for meeting everyone and having a great time.  And it forces me to realize that after VidCon, I won't be able to look forward to anything else since I'll be back to working on a regular schedule.  But on a larger scale, once VidCon is over, what will be the next big thing I'll be waiting for?  In terms of a YouTube/Internet Gathering it might be towards the next Summer, and that's a frightening thought.  For movies there's of course "Toy Story 3," "Inception," "Scott Pilgrim," and 'Tron 2.0" to name a but a few, but those are films and won't be anywhere close to a gathering.

I'm going to move my thoughts from this and think about all the good things what will happen before and during VidCon.  I'm going to be meeting up with old friends, meeting friends that I had first met online and now have the chance to meet in real life, and of course making a whole new slew of friends.  One of the things that I'm really looking forward to is that fact that the hotel is going to be literally littered with YouTubers and in effect making it a sort of YouTube dormitory.  Once the actual conference is done for the day, there is no doubt in my mind that there's going to be so much happening in rooms and on floors and around the area.  There will be rooms filled with friends from the East Coast, West Coast, UK rooms, Aussie rooms, mixed rooms - the possibilities are maddening.  And when the night comes, it surely means pool parties, board games, and a whole concoction of adventures I can't even begin to imagine!

When I went to San Francisco for YouTube Live, one of the amazing things that I noticed while I was walking through the city was that on almost every corner I spotted a YouTuber or two together walking somewhere.  And as I walked within our small YouTube group, it felt like San Francisco had turned into YouTube City.  And I liked that thought immensely.  And then last year during the Northwest YouTube Gathering, all of us joined together to form one huge roaming group of about a hundred people.  We walked all around downtown Portland like a YouTube battalion, and this too pleased me.  This year for VidCon, in my head I picture both of these happening and a mixture of the both.  Not to mention all the fun that will happen at the hotels and the nearby areas.

The week of VidCon is actually going to be very interesting, considering that YouTubers will be flocking to Los Angeles throughout the week for the conference.  So that means that on any given day and place, YouTubers will be in abundance.  They'll be there at the airport, the malls, at the coffee shops, at the In-N-Outs.  Going out could result in mini-meetups and smallish gatherings.  And that's such a wonderful thought.

Last year the big YouTube Gathering was "789" in New York City in Central Park.  And from all the pictures and videos that came out during the event that day, it's clear that a great amount of people showed up and participated.  From talking to some people who actually went to it, they estimate that around 500 people attended it.  From my vantage point, watching all of it unfold, it looked like an unholy mass of people with so much going on.  Now imagine twice that!  For that's how many people have registered for VidCon this weekend and there's still about a few hundred spots open.  VidCon is going to be twice that of 789!  That there is both an awesome thought and a daunting reality.  

Here's to VidCon! In 26 days!

Note: Picture from 789 from Eric Striffler - http://www.erickwithnok.com/

A Combination of Fate, Choice, and Luck

Sitting in my seat, I stared across at the gigantic screen in front of me.  Jack is kneeling in a spring, washing his hands after becoming what Jacob had been.  He was the protector of the Island now.  And as the music of Michael Giacchino began to reach a crescendo, the moment of the night, the weekend, and everything in general, hit me.  I was sitting inside of the Orpheum Theater in the middle of Downtown Los Angeles with about 2000 Lost fans in attendance.  On my left sat the girl who I had met only hours before and who had offered an extra ticket she possessed.  Already being graced with tickets to the event - albeit a balcony seat - I had bumped into this girl at the front of the theater, struck up a quick conversation, and found myself with a ticket in the orchestra section and a much better vantage point of the night's event.  

Yet as I sat down and looked all around at the legion of Lost fans, I remembered how the day had started.  Sunday was when my younger brother graduated from college and I had expected the entirety of the day to be devoted to this event.  We woke at the crack of dawn and raced speedily down to Fullerton where empty highways gave way to backed up cars and quickly filling parking lots as we inched ever so nearer to the Fullerton Field where the Commencement Graduation was about to begin.  Early as we were, the good seats were already taken and that left us only the seats under the white tents to call our own.  Initially I was saddened by this development, hoping to get a close-up seat so I could snap pictures and take video of my brother.  As the ceremony began, the weather shifted and the morning Sun's light fell onto the backs of the graduates and the people in the front.  We were spared the heat and I was thankful for that but as the ceremony continued, the weather shifted again and a chilly wind began blowing through the tent area leaving us deathly cold.  After what seemed like ages, the general university commencement ended and the crowds broke up into smaller groups and the individual college commencements began.  Soon my brother was walking towards the stage.  I stood next to my mother who was beaming with pride and held a camera snapping pictures every moment she could while I stood with my arms tight and raised high to capture my brother on video with a smile on his face and his tassel blowing in the air.  And just as it all had begun, it too quickly ended and we found ourselves celebrating my brother's accomplishment at a Chinese restaurant in Downtown Los Angeles.  

Arriving back home after an already full day of events, the rest of my family soon found themselves sleepy and tired from the whole experience and I soon thought that I, too, would join them with some sleep and shut eye.  But I knew there was Lost to get ready for.  It was about 4PM and I just decided to check on Twitter how everything was going.  Doing some quick research I had about 40 minutes to get to the Orpheum Theater and see if I could get some stand-by tickets.  And if I couldn't get in all I would have to spend was the gas going there and about $5 in parking and I would still at least get to see a wealth of Lost fans, maybe even see some stars walking about.  And even if I couldn't get in, at least it would give me a chance to explore all the things that Downtown LA had to offer.  Thankfully Fate and Luck grabbed me by the arms and I found myself with a ticket in hand and stood in line waiting to get inside.  

The giant screen in front of me showed a giant Desmond talking about Fate and circumstance tying together the Castaways, and I couldn't help but think that something similar too had brought me with all these other people.  But it wasn't only isolated to Lost as well.  The day before I went to Universal Studios Citywalk to meet up with some friends that I had made through YouTube and through the Internet.  If the mystique of the Island drew all the Castaways together then the Internet was the means by which all of my online-to-real-life relationships had originated from.  It was a blast to see my friends who had started out as online acquaintances and it was even more fulfilling meeting new online people face to face.  Although I didn't get a chance to enjoy the gathering as much as I had wanted, I did appreciate the people and moments I had at the gathering.  And on an aside, I even got a chance to see Jane Lynch in person.  "Glee's" own Sue Sylvester!  Now that was a hoot!

Back on the screen in front of me, Juliette was putting some medical jelly on Sun as flashes of memory began rushing back to her.  The night's event still hadn't hit me.  I got a Dharma Initiative tattoo on my forearm, snapped a picture with a Dharma Van, and I even got a chance to see Michael Emerson up close.  I was disappointed that I couldn't get a picture with him but if I was in his position poised between a guy and a cute girl - I think we all know who's going to win in that scenario.  I don't blame him, but next time Michael, I'm going to get a picture!

The debate whether the Lost series finale delivered or not is going to wage on during the Summer and probably even more once the series set and last season come out on home video with another 30 minutes of footage tagged to the finale.  But for me, the finale was the best I could have ever hoped for.  I know there's still some questions lingering about but for the most part I feel satisfied and saddened that I won't ever get to know more about these people that I've invested with for about six years.  For the longest time I've considered myself a loner and sitting there in a room with a legion of like minded people, I realized that I'm not always going to be alone.  Jack early in the series said "Live Together, Die Alone" and it reminds me that we all have a choice in everything we do.  We choose to be alone or we don't.  We choose to be friends with the people we want or we don't.  With choice there lies the option to forgive and that's a hopeful thing that brings a smile to my face.  

Off-Again, On-Again Blogging Slut

It bothers me – as the title of this post goes – that I’ve blogged inconstantly for over a decade.  I’ve written things in my journal, my small “ideas” notebook, on blogging sites such as EasyJournal, Xanga, Blogger, WordPress, and even on self-hosted web sites.  But what really bothers me is that I’ve been inconsistant in finding a proper place for them.  If I had kept all my entries in one place, I would have held quite a piece that would have stemmed from before I went headed off to college, all the way to the NorthWest YouTube Gathering.  Yet instead of focusing on content, I feared how it would have looked on a web site.  In my head, I heard “ooh, it’s too colorful,” or “that lacks imagination,” or “he’s clearly not a programmer, look at those sharp edges,” and most of all I heard “so what!”  And in listening to these things, I focused more on form than function.

Back when I was writing on a somewhat regular schedule I didn’t worry about what people would think about it all.  My posts had typos, syntax errors, and it was all served on a site that looked like it got stuck in a clothes dryer with running markers.  I feared what people would think.  I feared I was going to be ridiculed.  And most of all, I feared comments from people who possibly wouldn’t have commented at all instead of the person I should be taking comments seriously from: myself!

No more!  No more to fear, no more doubt.  It’s time to write and it’s time to get back into writing-shape.  I’m going to go back to how it was for me.  I’m going to write as it comes forth and not worry about having pictures to jazz up a piece or hope people will flock and comment.  Just like everything I do, I’m doing it for myself as a way to grow and learn.  It still disappoints me that I have my posts scattered across the Internet and over CDs of burned back-ups, but I hope to track them all and feed them back here in the right chronological order.

I won’t promise that I won’t fall back to old habits and find myself blogging on a new or different means, but what I will promise myself is that I’m going to go back to writing.  I will write without fear from others and write from within.  I cling to writing because I want to be understood.  I want to understand the world and people around me and in turn I hope they can undertand me.  There’s just something wrong in me that when I have an idea that germinates in my head, it almost always loses its potency once it becomes words from my mouth or movements from my finger tips as I go tap-tap-tap on the keyboard, but I hope to change all that.

Seeds of Foolishness

Yesterday night left me with many thoughts to sleep on.  I had so much things on my mind that it actually woke up beside me as I woke up today.  It’s hard to shrug them off like I normally do.  Things are changing so rapidly and sometimes things just stand to a still-point.  As each day goes by I feel as if I have a countdown over my head ticking away.  It’s a countdown to 1000 days.  1000 days until I hit a milestone that I’ve been trying to avoid and there’s just no way I will be able to.

Work.  What am I going to do about this.  What security it does provide is nice but the tasks are getting far to repetitive and I can only be a creative so much so until my head starts to go dull and numb.  I know I want to write.  I have ideas.  Boy do I have ideas that I’ve been storing up.  I’ve stories I want to make into children’s books.  One story I have deals with an indecisive penguin who can’t decide between a vanilla ice cream and a chocolate ice cream.  And I’ve got stories I want to tell one day about the rise of a new superhero who also happens to be an 80 year old man.  I have ideas but I don’t know if they alone can help me.  My goodness this is turning out to be more “stream of consciousness” then coherent entry – so I’ll apologize now, and continue.

I tweeted earlier that thoughts are like birds fluttering about on a cool, Spring day where some streak across you in wonder while others come to rest on your shoulders.  My thoughts are a jumble right now.  And it’s painfully evident in this post.  I shouldn’t even put it up but I will.  What I miss about how I use to blog was that I blogged warts and all.  I didn’t proofread or edit.  I just wrote in the moment and in the throws of an emotion.  On one sense it keeps it journal quality, the intimacy of a diary but now I don’t do that as much.  I’m trying to change it but it’s such a slow process.

I’m just going to free-write a short story to end this entry and clear my thoughts:

Through the wooded forest, the one with the hair of fire, races through the brush and awakes the sleeping critters resting through the night.  She passes through a wooded embarkment and sees in front of her a placid lake.  So still is the lake that the waters mirror the icy stare of the full moon above.  She, of the hair of fire, clutches her chest and removes a crimson red pendant adorned with gold and silver.  She closes her eyes.  Her hand grips the pendant ever-so-hard.  As a thought courses through her, she begins to twirl.  Spinning around and around she gains momentum and throws the pendant from her hand, her eyes still shut.  The pendant crashes the moonlight mirror of the lake and she opens her eyes.

“Behedra, the blessed and accursed witch of the Lake of Mur, arise and hear my words,” spoke the one with the hair of fire.  She loosened her belt and let it fall to the ground.  A small sword and dagger fell as well.

“I have come to you unarmed and plead with a wish,” she spoke.

“My brother-by-bond has been waylaid by the creatures of the hill, and I cannot save him by my own accord.  Will you aid me?”

As the waters of the lake returned to their tranquil state, the edges have begun to bubble and boil.  The color crimson red begins to grow all around.  Not amazed, Elayna falls to her knees in supplication.  She had baited the witch.  “My wish will be granted,” she tells herself.

Arising from the lake rose a thin figure resembling a tree but with feminine features.  Its branch-arm rose and its bark-finger pointed to Elayna.

“You have come to me, child of the fire, asking for help.  You have come to me and given me the  crimson stone heart of your people.  You have come to me for aid, yet you lie.”

Elayna’s face is still venerated yet it could not hide the surprise and shock on it.  But before she could reply, Behedra continued.

“You do not care to save your brother-by-bond.  You only wish to discover him and kill him yourself.  I know he has captured what you long have sought to keep hidden and fortified.  He has touched and taken your heart.  And in fearing that he will break it, you desire to break him before he can ever break you.”

Getting up, Elayna begins to retort back when she realizes that she no longer has a mouth to speak with.

“I will grant you grace by which to find Herim but I will so bestow upon him a grace that will prevent you from destroying him.  You both are bonded to each other like leaves on a tree.  What you fear is foolishness.  For this grace that I give, I will collect what grows from this seed of foolishness.”

A sound of fallen trees rises around them.  The witch of the lake recedes back and the waters return to blue and silver, and the Moon’s reflection returns.  And a flash of light blinds Elayna into wonder.  “What did she mean by ‘seed of foolishness’?” she thought, and fell into a deep, restorative sleep.